Making Your Bed

My house is a mess. So is my life. It's a whole series of unfinished dreams, drunken mistakes and lonely unwashed dishes in a sticky floored kitchen.

But my bed is made.

Starting every morning I throw the doona in a neat square over the mattress, get the pillow sitting straight, fold the blanket at the foot of the bed, and find a sense of order in my stupid, pointless, lazy chaos of a life

Making your bed takes every fucked up thing in your head and makes it seem ok. And wherever your day takes you, the thought of that bed sitting all nice and tidy waiting for your return - that can get you through pretty much anything.

5 stars.

The magic gloves

It was a mid week night last winter. I was out drinking with tall guy. We were at big pub in Bondi.

Big pub in Bondi sits opposite White Revolver. It's kinda big and you can get pizzas. When White Revolver closes some people run across the road and keep drinking at big pub. They go because they're yet to find someone to have sex with and feel a horribly cold and desperate emptiness in their lives.

Me and tall guy went to big pub in Bondi.

I was drunk. I was sitting outside and smoking. I was talking to people I didn't know about things I had little knowledge of. I didn't remember their names.

At one point I looked at my hands. They were in gloves.

Whose were they? When did I acquire them? Would they give me secret powers?

Those were questions I could not answer.

Moments later tall guy called a cab and we headed back to the northern beaches.

Last night, almost a year later, I cleaned my room and found the gloves again. I'm wearing them now. My palms are warm, my fingers are cold and I still don't know if they give me secret powers.

4 stars.

Procrastinating

I just cooked a nice dinner, cleaned the kitchen, put on a load of washing and re-organised my room.

Procrastinating gets me all domesticated. Right now I'm totally like a guy out of Esquire magazine or a hopeless bachelor by the end of an episode of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

5 stars.

Missing posts.

Crap, how quickly did midnight come around?

I didn't even have time to think of something to review. Now I've missed another day even though when ya think about it, and don't get all nerdy technical on me, it isn't really Tuesday yet.

If it were Tuesday already I'd have been in bed and slept maybe a bit and then woken up maybe a bit. I might have even brushed my teeth maybe a bit and headed to work maybe a bit.

It's not even Tuesday in the United States of America yet, and they invented the internet. Fully. Bill Zuckerberg Gates invented it at college to impress girls and now he's a jillionaire and helped start revolutions in the Middle East of North Africa. Nothing gets you girls like helping start a revolution in the Middle East of North Africa. He also starred in Zombieland which was a pretty cool movie.

Bet you Emily Browning would like me if I helped start a revolution and starred in Zombieland. That's pretty much why I started this blog and that's why missing posts is such a bummer.

I reckon if I didn't miss posts for Monday and Saturday I'd have a girlfriend and a less rusty car by now. I'd probably even have some clean socks.

No stars.

Being hungover

The trouble with being hungover is that it makes you want to kill yourself but depraves you of the energy to do it.

No stars.

Looking like Darwin Deez

Wednesday was a sad day even though Spicks and Specks and At The Movies was on. Wednesday was the day I shaved my moustache.

It was sad because while I had a moustache Alan would tell me I looked like Darwin Deez. I can't sing or dance like Mr. Deez, so looking like him was the next best thing. I liked it when Alan would tell me I look like Darwin Deez. Alan doesn't tell me I look like Darwin Deez anymore.

Now that I'm clean shaven I've gone back to looking like that other pop star people say I look like.... the one with the high pitched voice and questionable sexuality.

Mika.

Looking like Mika is kind of like looking like a sandwich your friend has forgotten about, and then when you remind them that they do know the type of sandwich and have had it before, they just shrug their shoulders and get a tandoori chicken wrap.

I wish I still looked like Darwin Deez. He made having a pedophile's moustache feel lighthearted and fun.

4 stars.

Emily Browning's official website

I dream of a simpler life. A life where I’ll come home from work, read a book, cook dinner and cuddle up with my cute girlfriend. I won’t even think about logging into facebook chat, or watching Jersey Shore or going to the pub to get drunk.

When I dream this, the role of my girlfriend is played by Emily Browning. Have you seen her? She’s that beautiful and wholesome looking pixie girl from the film Lemony Snicket’s and that weird new action film Sucker Punch.

I saw her once at a festival. I didn’t talk to her. I tripped on a stick and made an awkward cough noise. That was my moment. It’s gone forever. Now I just log onto this website, click through pictures of her and daydream of a life I don’t have. Sigh.

5 stars

Writing the word "cheese" 100 times

Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese...

Writing the word "cheese" 100 times is a pointless and poor excuse for a post. Are you disappointed? Annoyed? Angry? I don't care, I've gone and done it anyway, and I'm gonna give it 5 stars. Take that ya brother kicker!

5 stars.

Head colds

I'd heard people say it before, head cold. "I have a head cold," they'd say. Or, "Sorry, I can't come and play Nintendo with you, I've got a head cold."

My reaction would always be, "What the frik is a head cold?"

Well now I know what a head cold is because right now I have one.

It's kind of like a feeling where you just want to go home and bury your head in the couch cushions and drink tea in a wooly jumper, a wooly jumper that wraps around your head and keeps you warm and safe from the rest of the world. Nothing will penetrate your little woollen head fortress. And until you make your little woollen head fortress underneath the couch cushions you just feel chilly and vulnerable and tired and weak and a bit like a whiney whine annoying guy.

That's what a head cold is. It's also called winter.

2 stars.

Great Moments in History

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

It was announced today. He died like a week ago or something but it was announced today. People rejoiced in America. It was the talk of facebook.

Barack Obama made a speech. We watched it in the office on my laptop. It was an amazing moment, millions upon millions of people all over the world were hearing the same words at the same time, as they were spoken by Obama. This was history.

But a much greater moment in history happened today. It happened on my drive home. I was listening to Triple J and there were experts discussing what all this means. People were calling in, giving opinions on the matter, suggesting that perhaps this will mean more terrorism, that perhaps this event is not so great... And then it happened. A genius and profound thought broadcast for our nation to hear and reflect upon:

"Yeah, I saw Obama's birth certificate and his middle name is Hussein...." said the caller innerer.

"Umm, ok," responded the Triple J presenter after a few seconds of awkward silence. "And what has that got to do with anything?"

The caller innerer had an answer for that. And my lord it was a good one. One that will change the way we view all of this, the events of September 11, the war on terror, the killing of the world's most famous terrorist...

"Obama rhymes with Osama."

5 stars.

Anticlimaxes

I'm back man! Totally. It's the first of May, man. I turn 25 in May. Man, how good is that going to be? This month is gonna be so totally crazy good, man. Starting with getting No Stars back and happening.

I just woke up. When I did I thought to myself, "Hey, it's a new month, I should start the blog again like I've been promising. What's stopping me? Sure I never finished that article for Koops that had been holding me back this whole time, sure one of my best friends deleted me off facebook because of that, sure I've got a whole bunch of other writing I should be doing, sure I kinda need to pee and should get out of bed... but really, what's stopping me?"

So I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom I thought about the triumphant return of No Stars. How great that first post would be. How funny. How heartfelt. How brilliant. It's going to make people feel something. It's going to make people smile. Make their chests warm. Make them think of their own lives. Make them realise that life is profound and wonderful and horrible and all these things. I pictured myself writing the post and then walking down the street for a coffee in slo motion, hi-fiving everyone as I walked past. It would be sunny and I would be really good looking.

I flushed the toilet, washed my hands, and jumped back into bed. I grabbed my laptop and clicked around facebook for 24 minutes. Then I logged into No Stars and stared at the new post screen. "Where do I start?" I thought. "Where is the brilliance? Where is the heart, the humour..."

I had nothing... then I wrote this. What a disappointment. Can't believe I turn 25 this May. This is going to be the worst month ever. 1 star.