Thursday, March 10, 2011

Breaking Promises

I said I'd write one review everyday.

I missed two when I was drunk on the Gold Coast for work.

I've missed like 5 or something since I got back from that evil place because I'm meant to be finishing a magazine and writing this other thing for this other guy and stuff. He called me today (hi Mark) and I was scared to answer, but he was really nice so that made me smile and I like smiling so that was good.

But yeah, I've fully broken the promise I made to this blog and that is super lame. I'm not going to write on here again until all that is finished either. Mad shame, so much interesting shiz is happening.

Like today I went to court and my lawyer had an unusually red face and the dude on trial before me was a British backpacker who was dressed kinda nice. He'd beaten the shit out of his brother who was also a British backpacker. I sat next to him and thought, "he's dressed nice now, but I bet he wasn't dressed nice when he beat the shit out of his brother."

So much good stuff... but no time. No stars.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Not doing stuff because you're meant to be doing other stuff

I haven't made any pictures for the last few posts. I'm meant to be writing an article for Koops Magazine. It was due so many weeks ago I'm not even sure how many, that's how many. Lots. The article is almost finished but almost isn't not almost.... if ya get me.

The Editor, Mark, is angry. He also looks at this blog. So if I make pictures for the past blogs he'll be even more angry with me. I don't want him to be more angry with me. I like Mark.

Mark is probably reading this right now. Hi Mark.

So that's why there haven't been any of my mediocre pictures in a while. 1 Star

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Pointing and laughing at people with down syndrome

I was driving down Ocean Street, Narrabeen. It was Sunday evening and the sun was setting. It was lovely. Lovely for a walk.

I was dropping a friend off. We were talking and stuff. Then I saw a guy with a funny walking style.

"Look at the way that guys walks," I said.

"He waddles," I said.

"Ha," I pointed.

My friend said nothing. We got closer. The silence in the car became more silenty.

"Oh no," I said.

"Oh frik," I said

We got close enough to get a good look at him. He had down syndrome. I had pointed at and made fun of a man with down syndrome.

"Oh you are the worst human ever," said my friend. No stars.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Narrow eyes

My friend draws pictures of people. He can draw girls in this really lovely way. He told me the secret, and it's not just the secret to drawing girls, it's the secret to pretty girls.

I used to think the secret combo was big eyes, small nose but that's wrong. A big nose on a girl can be awesome. No, the secret is wide set eyes.

Man, it's so true. Last night I saw a girl with big wide set eyes and a small nose and I semi fell in love. She was amazing.

The thing about this secret though, is that it comes with knowledge that once known will change your life forever. Ya ready? You sure you wanna hear this? You sure? 'Cause I tells ya, once you realise this thing, it cannot be unrealised.

Ok. Here goes...

While people with wide set eyes are beautiful, people with narrow eyes are fucking weird.

Narrow eyes. My friend told me this, and then all of a sudden I was surrounded by them. Narrow eyes on that guy. Narrow eyes on this guy. Narrow eyes, narrow eyes, narrow eyes. I don't trust em, and for good reason too. Narrow eyes are the trait of swindlers and grifters and other shady types.

Narrow eyes make me uneasy. 1 star.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Not meeting Kelly Slater

Last night the magazine I work for, Surfboard Riding and You, they had a party. I was there.

It was cool. It was at the Snapper Pro. There were coronas and surfers and people who like surfing and lots of people shmoozing and lots of people asking what each other do and lots of people saying that that is awesome.

At one point Kelly Slater came into the room. He walked in and everyone pretended not to stare at him while they stared at him. He hung out for a bit. He drank a wheatgrass juice. He made a speech and gave an award. He talked to the people he knew and the people he knew hugged him and patted him on the back.

The brave, the drunk and the less self conscious went up and introduced themselves and took photos with their iPhones. I just walked sort of near him and stared at him while pretending not to stare. Then he left. Five stars.