Tuesday, February 7, 2012

This Blog

No Stars is fucking lame. I'm over it. I'm gonna shut it down soon and do something different. Something that is actually good.

Till then, here is a small story that lives up to the disgustingly poor level of storytelling you've come to expect on this blog:

When I went to New York, I went to this bar called Max Fish a couple of times. Working behind the bar was a girl that I decided then and there was probably the most beautiful girl in the world – something I decide whenever I see any girl with a nice smile without a swastika tattooed to her forehead. I didn't talk to her or anything, 'cause this was in real life and not in a movie. I just ordered my beers and sat around awkwardly with people I didn't know that well and tried not to look at her.

I forgot all about that until last night I read my neighbours copy of Russh Magazine and came to this page.

It was her! And she had a name. Shelley Zander. Confirmed then and there. Shelley Zander is the most beautiful girl in the world (if you don't include Emily Browning, Casey Mulligan, Audrey Tatout or my ex-girlfriend).

No stars.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Flower Drumming

On Sunday it was all wet and grey and Cutthroat and I decided we wouldn't go anywhere all day. After we decided that I called Hipswell to see what she was doing.

"What are you doing?" I said.

"Flower Drumming," she said.

"Cool, pick me and Cutthroat up," I said.

"Ok," she said.

So we walked down the hill to meet her. Tricktin came with us to ask Hipswell for a cigarette. He brought a knife in case she said no.

This is what it looks like when Hipswell picks you up to go Flower Drumming. Her hair is never in focus and most of the time she looks disappointed at you.

Tricktin got a cigarette and didn't have to stab anyone. He was stoked about that.

I called shotgun so the flowers had to sit in the back. Flower Drum flowers are rebels and rarely use seat-belts. Damn punks.

Hipswell was all, "Are you going to take pictures?" And I was all, "Fuck yeah I'm going to take pictures." And she was all, "Ok."

Cutthroat also had to sit in the back. She was happy about that.

But then Hipswell made her hold some flowers. It was a tough job. She concentrated really hard though and held them really well.

The event that Hipswell was Flower Drumming was in Dee Why. It was raining there too.

She couldn't find a park even though she was wearing glasses.

After like 34 minutes of Hipswell complaining about not finding a park she found a park and walked into the venue to do some Flower Drumming. It was pretty exciting. 

Cutthroat and I put Hipswell in charge for the day so we could go and get coffee and hot chocolate. It was way more fun than flowers.

While we waited Cutthroat thought of ways she could overthrow Hipswell, and take control of her flower empire.

But then her hot chocolate came and she just thought about chocolate instead. 

We came back and Hipswell wasn't even finished yet. If we owned watches we would have looked at them and yawned loudly.

This is a picture of her asking me to pass her some scissors. I couldn't find them.

That was a big disaster and Hipswell was mad at me. Even though this picture is in black and white, it's not the 40s. It's just a setting on the camera that makes it look like the 40s. Pretty tricky stuff.

"Hey Hipswell, quit with the coffee drinking and get back to the Flower Drumming! We're not paying you to drink coffee. We're not paying you at all!"

I like to think of this wall-lamp as a lonely tourist just getting off the plane on its first trip to Hawaii. Ten years of saving up holiday leave and here it is, looking for romance. Which way to the hotel lobby eh wall-lamp? Haha, you're a good kid.


MP was already raising the roof and the party hadn't even started.

"Take a picture of that flower bomb!" yelled Holly. I took a couple because I wanted a ride home. This is the only one with a bit of her head in it, it's my favourite.

This is another picture of the same flower bomb.

And another...

This is the first one again.

Hipswell tried to make a quick getaway.

But we caught up because she was holding a bucket.

We left after that. People at the venue asked if I was going to the party and I said yes even though I knew I wasn't going to. Instead Cutthroat and I spent the rest of the day watching DVDs because we were exhausted from our day Flower Drumming.

Hipswell is still yet to cut us in on the profits so for that I give Flower Drumming no stars.

Ya hear that Hipswell? No stars!


Sands tonight?

Genius Idea #1

It's Monday morning which is awesome because I just had genius idea #1 for my life. I've had ideas before but this is my first genius one. I'm sure it will make millions, if not hundreds of dollars.

Here it is:

Imagine, a mug... stay with me now, with the words "Mug Life" printed on the side. (See Figure A)

Figure A
This would also be a good idea if someone who was good at drawing drew a picture of a mug that was a scary looking gangster with the caption above it saying "Mug Life".

Ok, so it's out there now. Internet, I'd like the millions of dollars made out to cash and sent to me ASAP please. I want to buy an iPhone. Thanks.

4 stars.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Facebook posts from Alvin.

Today I got a Facebook post from Alvin. Remember Alvin? Ha, the crazy guy... this is what the post said.

"The other night i caught the night rider home, before hand i went to get my usual $15 kfc feed. In all the hoo hub they gave me 2 zinger burgers!! I ate one on the bus and then put the other in the bag and put the bag handle through the cuff button on my shirt, so that on the walk home my hands would be available to grip things. I attempted the short cut from like Bunnings straight to mine, through the streets with the City street names...
Any way at some point i made a wrong turn and ended up in a street that was dead ended by a large fence that backed onto the train tracks. I decided I would scale the fence to avoid back tracking...I unbuttoned my bag and tossed it over the fence, then scaled the huge fence severely cutting my hands and hurting my knee. Once i got over i landed in grass that was like hip height. I looked for my zinger burger in the long grass for a few minutes but couldn't find it. Zinger burger in the grass....sounds like a picnic..."

5 stars.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Zeljko Kodak

I can't sleep and Facebook is mad boring and my book is nowhere near my bed so I'm just gonna start typing until some sort of coherent piece of text comes out here. Maybe even incoherent. Incoherent is a kind of nice word to say. You know what isn't a nice word to say? Sausage. Yeah, sausage. Gross. Soss.... Ij. Erghhh.

So I guess the point of this post is that incoherent is a fun word to say and sausage isn't.

A man with dirty fingernails once told me that Kodak was the name chosen for the Kodak company because the guy who started it was told words that start and finish with the "ke" sound are best. As are words with two syllables and have five letters. Seems a pretty narrow ideal for a good word. Who the fuck made that rule? Whatever happened to Cellar Door and all that shiz? The only other example I can think of right now is Zeljko Kalac's last name... which is Kalac. He was the goalie for the Socceroos whenever Mark Schwartzer wanted to play Nintendo or whatever. He had super long arms and slick back hair, like a mobster. I liked him.

2 Stars.

(I just wikipedia-ed the Kodak thing... not true).

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Posting blog posts

Sometimes I just feel like posting stuff. I thought about what I could post today.

I thought maybe I could post about how I wake up and hit the snooze button consistently until Tall Guy calls me and says he's two minutes away from picking me up, and how if it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't get to work till about 12.45.

I thought maybe I could post about getting coffees at the Sugarmill in the morning and how the drugs in the coffee make my blood feel fuzzy and gets me thinking that everything is right with the world.

I thought maybe I could post about how Cutthroat says funny things without having any idea how funny they are, like flame-able when she means flammable and how that's probably the best thing ever. Better than penicillin.

I should probably do some work though. So instead, here is a picture of some cats fighting.

1 star.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Jack and Charlie

Jack and Charlie are in a band. Their band is called The Bittersweet Kicks. Sometimes The Bittersweet Kicks get asked to play in the bright lighted cities of Sydney or Brisbane or Albury. When that happens they get in a car in suburban Melbourne and drive north.

Being the inquisitive and worldly citizens that they are, Jack and Charlie take every opportunity to experience the cultural delights the Hume Highway presents them with. Good on you Jack and Charlie. Keep discovering that world.


3 stars.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Tall Guy's Commentary

My buddy old pal Tall Guy, he's a pretty funny and clever guy and he knows lots about surfboard riding. That's why he gets asked to commentate surfboard riding competitions sometimes.

I commentated with him once. It was at the Manly Festival of Surfing. We were really hungover and woke up in Manly. We walked in there and he put a mic in my hand and told me to talk and I did. Tony Abbot was surfing in that event. Tony Abbot is a douche. We didn't say that though. We were very professional. One of the guys we were commentating with called him the future Prime Minister of Australia which I thought was a stupid thing to say, but I don't know much about surfboard riding commentary. So it probably isn't.

Anyway, I was watching this surfboard riding competition on my computer the other day and I caught some of Tall Guy's work:


5 stars.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Mark's Breakfast Funny

This morning people woke up in my house with facepaint on their faces and fuzzyness in their heads.

Mark was one of those people. So was Mal. So was Cuthroat.

The house smelt like beer so we walked down the hill to the beach where we could wash off the facepaint and rinse out the fuzzyness. Then we got breakfast.

Mal's menu had an ad for a psychic.

"Look," she said. "He was awarded Australia's best psychic."

"That's the kind of award you know you're going to get before you get it," said Mark.

5 stars.