Zeljko Kodak

I can't sleep and Facebook is mad boring and my book is nowhere near my bed so I'm just gonna start typing until some sort of coherent piece of text comes out here. Maybe even incoherent. Incoherent is a kind of nice word to say. You know what isn't a nice word to say? Sausage. Yeah, sausage. Gross. Soss.... Ij. Erghhh.

So I guess the point of this post is that incoherent is a fun word to say and sausage isn't.

A man with dirty fingernails once told me that Kodak was the name chosen for the Kodak company because the guy who started it was told words that start and finish with the "ke" sound are best. As are words with two syllables and have five letters. Seems a pretty narrow ideal for a good word. Who the fuck made that rule? Whatever happened to Cellar Door and all that shiz? The only other example I can think of right now is Zeljko Kalac's last name... which is Kalac. He was the goalie for the Socceroos whenever Mark Schwartzer wanted to play Nintendo or whatever. He had super long arms and slick back hair, like a mobster. I liked him.

2 Stars.

(I just wikipedia-ed the Kodak thing... not true).

Puns on a friday at work.

Even better.

No Stars.

Puns.

I fucking love them.

5 stars.

Posting blog posts

Sometimes I just feel like posting stuff. I thought about what I could post today.

I thought maybe I could post about how I wake up and hit the snooze button consistently until Tall Guy calls me and says he's two minutes away from picking me up, and how if it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't get to work till about 12.45.

I thought maybe I could post about getting coffees at the Sugarmill in the morning and how the drugs in the coffee make my blood feel fuzzy and gets me thinking that everything is right with the world.

I thought maybe I could post about how Cutthroat says funny things without having any idea how funny they are, like flame-able when she means flammable and how that's probably the best thing ever. Better than penicillin.

I should probably do some work though. So instead, here is a picture of some cats fighting.

1 star.

Jack and Charlie

Jack and Charlie are in a band. Their band is called The Bittersweet Kicks. Sometimes The Bittersweet Kicks get asked to play in the bright lighted cities of Sydney or Brisbane or Albury. When that happens they get in a car in suburban Melbourne and drive north.

Being the inquisitive and worldly citizens that they are, Jack and Charlie take every opportunity to experience the cultural delights the Hume Highway presents them with. Good on you Jack and Charlie. Keep discovering that world.

 

3 stars.

Tall Guy's Commentary

My buddy old pal Tall Guy, he's a pretty funny and clever guy and he knows lots about surfboard riding. That's why he gets asked to commentate surfboard riding competitions sometimes.

I commentated with him once. It was at the Manly Festival of Surfing. We were really hungover and woke up in Manly. We walked in there and he put a mic in my hand and told me to talk and I did. Tony Abbot was surfing in that event. Tony Abbot is a douche. We didn't say that though. We were very professional. One of the guys we were commentating with called him the future Prime Minister of Australia which I thought was a stupid thing to say, but I don't know much about surfboard riding commentary. So it probably isn't.

Anyway, I was watching this surfboard riding competition on my computer the other day and I caught some of Tall Guy's work:

Brilliant.

5 stars.

Mark's Breakfast Funny

This morning people woke up in my house with facepaint on their faces and fuzzyness in their heads.

Mark was one of those people. So was Mal. So was Cuthroat.

The house smelt like beer so we walked down the hill to the beach where we could wash off the facepaint and rinse out the fuzzyness. Then we got breakfast.

Mal's menu had an ad for a psychic.

"Look," she said. "He was awarded Australia's best psychic."

"That's the kind of award you know you're going to get before you get it," said Mark.

5 stars.

Awesome things said by Work Experience Kids

When I got back into the office of Surfboard Riding and You yesterday there was a new kid hanging around in there.

His name was Reisly and he was staying at Tall Guy's house. But Tall Guy had to go to his nephew's birthday so I took Reisly to the pub with my pal Thunder.

Thunder's pal Escotte came and introduced himself to Reisly and Reisly said the best thing ever.

"What do you do?" said Reisly.

"I'm an architect," said Escotte.

"I know two architects now," said Reisly.

The he paused before looking off into the distance of the Collaroy Beach Club and saying...

"You, and someone else."

4 stars.

Holy Crap!

No I'm not reviewing Holy Crap. I'm just saying it. As in Holy Crap a lot of crap has gone on since I did my last post and crap.

Say crap ten times. Seriously. Do it.

Sounds weird doesn't it.

Anyway, since the last review I went to New York and I slept on a floor and I went to Indonesia and I slept on a boat.

In New York I met Dane Reynolds and he mentioned me in his blog as "some Australian" and in Indonesia I met some village children who ran away from a tsunami last year and they gave me high fives.

Now I'm back and it's getting warmer and the air smells more like summer than before I left. I have a girlfriend too which means less googling Emily Browning and less talking about getting a girlfriend and less feeling lonely like an artist. That's kind of sad. My favourite internet pal moved to Sydney too, and we're totes pals in real life. Which means less Facebook chats with him about not having girlfriends. That's kind of sad too.

Is it?

It isn't is it?

They're both from New Zealand which means lots more impersonating of New Zealanders and references to We Were Warriors which I haven't seen but have heard lots about. That's kind of awesome.

So yeah. Yep. Awesome.

Worst post ever?

5 stars.

Those times at work

Sometimes when I'm at work I go to pee in the toilet.

And sometimes when I go to pee in the toilet there is already pee in there. Not my pee. Someone else's pee. Someone else's pee that they haven't flushed.

It doesn't bother me. I just pee on top of it.

And while I pee I think to myself, "I wonder whose pee this is..."

I never work it out but it's a fun to think about while I stand there peeing.

4 stars.

Alan's new haircut.

I work with this guy Alan. He's a pretty cool guy. He designs things with his computer machine. He's also a really good surfer. Best of all is his hair.

It's a variety of blonde shades that change with the light around it. Outdoors it refracts sunshine and creates a rainbow around his head. Indoors it seems to take in the fluorescent lighting and emanate a wholesome winter cabin like warmth in the cold artificial air.

Then there's the curls. Oh my the curls! They wind up tight like a whole bunch of old telephone cords, protecting his skull, only to flick out wildly when he does aerials on his surfboard. Just imagine the curls unleashed to their full length for that split second, whipping a spray of water into the salty air. It's as beautiful like the feathers of a peacock.

The other day Alan got a haircut. I was worried. Everyone was worried. But the results were satisfactory. It was sharp. It was smart. And it still held all the traits of the hair we had grown to love. The curls. The shades. The idea that it could hold mysterious powers. This was a good haircut.

When he walked into the office everyone stood up and applauded. We love Alan's hair.

I wonder what it smells like?

5 stars.

Cotton Ball The Work Experience Kid

We have a work experience kid in the office of Surfboard Riding and You Periodical at the moment. Today is his last day. He had to interview Alan about design to show his teacher. So I interviewed him while he interviewed. This is it. As I was uploading this he looked over my shoulder and said, "It's not a very exciting blog. I thought it would have something cool."

His name is Jack.

No Stars: If all the people in the world stood on one side of the earth and jumped, do you reckon the world would move, like, one inch.

Jack: Umm, no. I don't reckon.

Ok. What if there was a pool full of custard. Do you reckon you could swim in it, or would you sink?

I reckon you'd sink. I dunno. It's pretty dense.

What flavour would you prefer the custard to be if you had to swim in it.

Definitely vanilla.

If you kept all the leftover hair from all your haircuts in your life, and wrapped it in a sheet. Would that make a comfortable blanket.

I guess.

How many blankets do you think your hair would make?

One big one maybe. This for your blog?

Yeah. What's your favourite subject at school?

That's a stupid question. Vis Comm.

That's a stupid answer.

What? You want me to say English?

Who is your best friend.

Paul.

Who's Paul?

Don't say Paul. I didn't say Paul. I said, "auhh." You thought I said Paul. Say my best friend is Lachie Butha. That'd be hilarious.

Why's that hilarious?

Cause he's a really aggressive man. He tries to hang out with us but he gets really really aggressive. There's this kid at my school who catches pigeons. I'm not joking. He throws his jumper on them and then jumps on it and picks it up.

What's been the weirdest thing about work experience?

That's a hard one. The weirdest thing?

Don't worry about it.

Umm, turning up to work before most people. That's weird.

Do you facebook chat a lot of girls on facebook?

Yeah!

Do you chat with your ex girlfriend's twin sister?

All the time.

What's that about?

I'm friends with both of them. It gets the other one angry.

Don't act cool for the interview.

It works. Don't tell me you haven't tried that trick.

Nah. Do you believe in true love?

Ummmmmmmm no. I hate love. It never works.

That's pretty grim.

Do you believe in love?

Yeah, it's the best. Does going to Wesley make you a gaylord?

No.

You sure?

Definitely not.

Do you ever wear your socks for too long, and then they get all squishy in your shoes?

Nah.

That's how mine feel now.

I never really wear my socks more than a couple of days. Maybe two.

Do you have a nickname?

Burmie.

That's a pretty boring nickname.

We could come up with something better.

What about Cotton Ball the work experience kid?

Nah.

Yeah. Is this the first interview you've ever done?

I think so.

If you had to rate this interview out of five stars what would you give it?

It was pretty funny, just over average.

So...

Four. Four stars.